I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
