i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
