at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
