OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
