im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
