Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
