Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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