the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
