Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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