dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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