He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
accomplished twins. life is a go
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
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What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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