I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
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