I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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