She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
