Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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