wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
