Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
