'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
