before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
