she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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