peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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