well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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