Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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