Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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