I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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