I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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