I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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