I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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