You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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