I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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