u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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