I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
