The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
