The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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