I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
