I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
