just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
