What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Randomize
