fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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