Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Randomize
