I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
