If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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