i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
