I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
