The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
