Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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