My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
