She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
