My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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