1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
