you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
