my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You're like the curious george of whores
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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